Household Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    My ex-wife thinks cooking and fucking are cities in China.

    1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
    2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
    3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
    4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
    5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?:
    You CAN Tell the Difference!
    6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
    7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the
    Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
    8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
    9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
    10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes
    that the Electronics Came In

    11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
    12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
    13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When
    You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
    14. more...

    1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
    2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of
    3.5 children per household, that's
    91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
    3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
    822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the more...

    Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.10.What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice more...

    As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
    No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
    There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't
    (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the
    workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
    average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One
    presumes there's at least one good child in each.
    Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the
    rotation of the earth, assuming more...

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