Shul Jokes / Recent Jokes

Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes
the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway
car nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that
things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to
show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one
wish.
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my
Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it
before an audience. I'll go happilly if you let me recite my sermon. It's
an hour - ninety minutes long, tops."
They promise to grant him the wish.
"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the
'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to more...

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get more...

Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful dates.
Girls, Interrupted - Women's section of Shul shusshed during davening (prayers).
The Seder House Rules - Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman reveals secret recipes.
The Six Cents - Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.
Snow Falling on Seders - Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
Supernova - Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dreydel Will Rock - Chanukah toy comes alive.
Sleepy Hallah - On Friday night, father fills up on bread, dozes off.
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
The Whole Nine Yids - Struggling shul waits for tenth.
The Green Mohel - Young man performs first circumcision
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling, not green cheese, on lunar surface.
Gonif with the Wind - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
The Putzman Rings Twice - A mohel murder more...

1. Pray here often?
2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.
3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but I've been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.
4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.
5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?
6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.
7. Since we're in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?
8. The rabbi's sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?
9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?
10. Don't let my tallis-bag fool you - I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.
11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.
12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.
13. Isn't this conspicuosly funny
14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, more...

Going to shul
Benjamin woke up one Saturday morning in a bad mood. When he came down to breakfast, he put on his yarmulke and sat across the table from his visiting sister, Sarah.
"I`m not going to shul today!" he said to Sarah emphatically.
"Yes you are." Sarah replied calmly.
"No I`m not. . . I don`t think I really want to ever go again!" Benjamin said with obvious irritation. "The people down there don`t like me, they ignore me sometimes. . . they don`t appreciate me at all. . . and I won`t go back."
"Yes, you will go today, and you will continue", said Sarah with confidence. And, I`ll give you two reasons. Number one, you`re 45 years old. .. and Number two, you`re the Rabbi!"