Chanukah Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    'Twas the night before Chanukah, as it is said
    And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
    He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
    For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
    The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
    Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
    But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
    Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
    Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
    But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
    So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
    To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
    The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
    And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
    Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
    Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
    The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
    So come in the den and please have a bite
    If only we knew you were coming, more...

    Why does Chanukah come before Christmas?
    - So Jews can break up with their non Jewish girlfriends
    in between.

    'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,
    Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
    The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,
    In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
    Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
    and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
    Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
    while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt.

    The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin',
    and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
    A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
    Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
    I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
    while Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
    I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
    While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes.

    To the window I ran and to my surprise,
    A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes.
    When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
    "Yiddishe kinder," he said, more...

    Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
    acquisitions, It was announced today at a press conference
    that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source
    said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years,
    ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.
    While details were not available at press time, it is believed
    that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and
    eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.
    By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy
    consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of
    Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs
    are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the
    hardest hit.
    As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the
    dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
    unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to more...

    The figures are finally in. The top 10 movie rental over the
    Chanukah holiday vacation were
    10) Three Men And A Bubbie
    9) A Few Hood Mentches
    8) The Cohenheads
    7) The Rocky Hora Picture Show
    6) Shalom Alone
    5) Goyz `N The Hood
    4) A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
    3) The Wizard Of Oys
    2) Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
    1) Prelude To A Briss

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