Chanukah Jokes

'Twas the night before Chanukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, more...

Why does Chanukah come before Christmas?
- So Jews can break up with their non Jewish girlfriends
in between.

Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful dates.
Girls, Interrupted - Women's section of Shul shusshed during davening (prayers).
The Seder House Rules - Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman reveals secret recipes.
The Six Cents - Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.
Snow Falling on Seders - Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
Supernova - Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dreydel Will Rock - Chanukah toy comes alive.
Sleepy Hallah - On Friday night, father fills up on bread, dozes off.
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
The Whole Nine Yids - Struggling shul waits for tenth.
The Green Mohel - Young man performs first circumcision
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling, not green cheese, on lunar surface.
Gonif with the Wind - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
The Putzman Rings Twice - A mohel murder more...

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,
In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin',
and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
while Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, more...

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, It was announced today at a press conference
that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source
said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years,
ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed
that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and
eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.
By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of
Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs
are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the
hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the
dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to more...