Shul Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes
    the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
    governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway
    car nor a Jumbo Jet.
    The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that
    things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to
    show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one
    wish.
    "Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my
    Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it
    before an audience. I'll go happilly if you let me recite my sermon. It's
    an hour - ninety minutes long, tops."
    They promise to grant him the wish.
    "Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the
    'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to more...

    A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
    "What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
    And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
    "Rover," says the man, "daven!".
    "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
    "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
    "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
    "That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get more...

    Going to shul
    Benjamin woke up one Saturday morning in a bad mood. When he came down to breakfast, he put on his yarmulke and sat across the table from his visiting sister, Sarah.
    "I`m not going to shul today!" he said to Sarah emphatically.
    "Yes you are." Sarah replied calmly.
    "No I`m not. . . I don`t think I really want to ever go again!" Benjamin said with obvious irritation. "The people down there don`t like me, they ignore me sometimes. . . they don`t appreciate me at all. . . and I won`t go back."
    "Yes, you will go today, and you will continue", said Sarah with confidence. And, I`ll give you two reasons. Number one, you`re 45 years old. .. and Number two, you`re the Rabbi!"

    Actual Personal Ads taken from Israeli newspapers

    Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46

    Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81

    Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

    Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658

    Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90

    Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43

    Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB more...

    PICK UP LINES YOU SHOULD SAY WHEN IN SHUL
    THEY SHOULD WORK
    1. Pray here often?
    2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.
    3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but I've been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.
    4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.
    5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?
    6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.
    7. Since we're in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?
    8. The rabbi's sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?
    9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?
    10. Don't let my tallis-bag fool you - I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.
    11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.
    12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.
    13. Isn't this more...

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