Scotland Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three police squads, The Scotland Yard police, The NY Police and the Punjab Sardar brigade contest for the best police force ward. The judges lead them to the Gir forest of India and assign them the mission. He who captures an adult LIon and brings it back alive in the fastest time will be adjudged the best. First Scotland yard goes into the forest and comes back in half an hour with a Lion all tied up. Then the NY police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied up lion. Lastly the sardar brigade goes in. 15 minutes, half an hour, one hour goes and no sign of our saradrjis. The judges give up and decide to search for them. They go into the forest. After some searching, they find the sardarjis all excitedly yelling near a tree. The sardarjis have tied up a big bear to a tree and one of them is shouting, "Bol tu sher Hai! Saala Bol! tu Sher Hai! ! " (Admit that you are a lion! You @#$%@! You are a lion

Three police squads, the scotland yard police, the ny police and the punjab sardar brigade contest for the best police force ward.

The judges lead them to the gir forest of india and assign them the mission.

He who captures an adult lion and brings it back alive in the fastest

Time will be adjudged the best.

First scotland yard goes into the forest and comes back in half

An hour with a lion all tied up.

Then the ny police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied up

Lion. Lastly the sardar brigade goes in. 15 minutes, half an hour, one

Hour goes and no sign of our saradrjis. the judges give up and decide

To search for them. They go into the forest. After some searching,

They find the sardarjis all excitedly yelling near a tree. The sardarjis

Have tied up a big bear to a tree and one of them is shouting, "bol tu

Sher hai! Saala bol! Tu sher hai! ! more...

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.
He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.
Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty.
The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.
After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh... you are most generous!"
She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk
because we found a dead rat in it."
Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth,
allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone.
The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it
down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig!
I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I more...

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools. A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin) AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8, 000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 more...

Statement of fact (anti-English)
The alternative encyclopaedia of Scotland
E is for England
A small irrelevant country which, humourously, thinks itself important. The source of much jollity the world over, England is a strong contender for the Country You Most Love To Hate award. From Mandalay to Mauritius via Timbuktu and Tasmania, everyone hates England. Indeed, England has it within its grasp to bring about global unification just by declaring war on the world. Every nation on earth would unite in the fight.
Strange but true; the reason England thinks it is the centre of the universe is because it won the football {soccer in N America} World Cup in 1966. Though irritating, this would not have mattered too much if it had learned to shut up about it for five minutes. England also had an obscenely big empire which, again, was noteworthy only for how much it annoyed everyone else.
A common misconception is that England lost its empire because the uppity natives more...

The Immense Consequences
The death under any circumstances of a member of the Royal Family would be
a cause for sadness. Had anyone made a list of those whose death might
have been anticipated, Princess Diana's name would have been last on it,
hence the worldwide shock and outpouring of grief: disbelief, anger,
analysis, sadness and perhaps the reluctant beginnings of acceptance.
Strong emotions would have been triggered had any Royal been even slightly
injured in an accident. The sudden, total loss of Diana, Princess of
Wales in a violent car crash is one of the greatest national tragedies to
befall Britain since the Second World War.
The memory of August 31, 1997 will long remain in people's minds: first
we saw the gruesome wreckage of the Mercedes after hitting an underpass
wall at high speed following a reckless chase through Paris from the Place
Vendome to the Pont De L'Alma. By strange twists of fate, the more...