Johnson Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
    John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
    Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
    John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
    The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
    Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
    Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
    Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
    Both were shot in the head.
    Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
    Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
    Both were assassinated by Southerners.
    Both were succeeded by Southerners.
    Both successors were named Johnson.
    Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
    Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
    John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
    Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
    Both assassins were know by their three names.
    Both names more...

    A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.
    “I win!” said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.
    “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!!!”
    “How can you tell?”
    Phillips asked.“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

    A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
    After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
    The judge said that was true.
    "Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
    The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said...
    "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"

    A Day at the Horse Races
    Horses in the race are:
    1. Passionate Lady
    6. Clean Sheets
    2. Bare Belly
    7. Thighs
    3. Silk Panties
    8. Big Johnson
    4. Conscience
    9. Heavy Bosum
    5. Jockey Shorts
    10. Merry Cherry
    At the Post
    They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
    At the Halfway Mark
    It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
    At The Stretch
    Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.
    At The Finish Its Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. more...

    General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?" "Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie." "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too." "I'd like to see that." So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!""Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

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