Sam Jokes / Recent Jokes

Prisoner: Look here, doc! You`ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Tom: What`s good for excessive wind, doctor? Doctor: A kite!
Bill: My wife beats me, doctor` Doctor: Oh dear. How often? Bill: Every time we play Scrabble!

Sam: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you`ll pass eventually. Sam: But I`m the examiner!

Doctor: You`re in good health. You`ll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better? Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet...

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. more...

Submitted By Jester

One day, Sam hurt is arm.

He went to his friend, who was a doctor, and asked him what was wrong with it. "I can't tell what's wrong with it, but there is this new computer at the pharmacy. You put a urine sample into it, and it tells you what's wrong with you, and how to cure it," his friend says.

Sam decided to try it out. He pees in a cup, goes to the pharmacy, and finds the computer. He places his urine in the computer, and pushed enter.

The Computer made some noises, and soon printed out a small piece of paper. It read: You're arm is sprained. Wrap it in an ace bandage, take 2 motrin a day (see perscription below) and don't use it for 2 weeks.

As sam was walking home, he wondered if the computer could be fooled. He decided to test it. He took a sample of his wife's lipstick, a hair from his daughter's brush, water from his dog's bowl, and some of his boogers, and mixed it together. He brought it more...

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."
"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down?' Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"
Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful." Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets. One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..." Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...." Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?" Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?" Sam answers, "Eleven years!"

Boasting Sam, one of the worst braggarts who ever bent a bar rail, was loudly lamenting that his doctor had ordered him to give up half of his sex life.
"Which half are you going to give up?" asked a weary listener. "Talking about it or thinking about it?"