Pee Jokes / Recent Jokes

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please...

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam more...

This was on the tonight show with Jay Leno............... Jay went into his audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst first date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize.

Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold. The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going. there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or she would go on the front more...

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling you those little buggers can't be trusted.

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend, you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the frigging toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other more...

In response to the woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling' ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a more...

A girl goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, I'm freakin' out... I'm freakin' out... my pee's coming out in four streams." He says, "Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do." She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle. She says, "It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams." He says, "It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there."

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of yogurt,
diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about
the size of my breasts; I can get where I want to -- north, south,
east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers; and when I do
drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to
wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around
checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I
don't whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why
get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit
around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab
them in the back; I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll
never go psycho and threaten to kill you; or think every guy out
there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical
too; I more...

Q: Why is a mans pee yellow and his sperm white? A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.