Pee Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I raise the tiolet seat and pee onto the inside of the bowl. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

    His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw open the door to the bathroom, stand on top of the toilet tank to pee into the water, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say,' How about some sex!!' and she's always sound asleep.

    Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
    "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
    "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
    "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
    "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
    "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6: 00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
    "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
    "No, I crap every morning at 6: 30."
    With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
    straight. You pee every morning at 6: 00 and crap every morning at 6: 30.
    So what's so tough about being more...

    Ok guys, own up... which one are you?

    Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

    Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.

    Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

    Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.

    Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

    Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.

    Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

    Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

    Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

    Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

    Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a more...

    Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee. “
    The 80 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement. “
    The 90 year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow. “ “So what`s your problem? “ ask the others. “I don t wake up until nine! “

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