Parenting Jokes / Recent Jokes

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?", Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" "It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't more...

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

Things Mom Would Never Say "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?" "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too" "Just leave all the lights on. .. it makes the house look more cheery" "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week" "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day" "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me." "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here." "I don't have a tissue with me. .. just use your sleeve" "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve

Wilber sits in front of Family Court Judge Frieda and the judge asks “Do you want to live with your mother? ” Wilber responds, “No … she beats Me. ” “Do you want to live with your father.

My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me. ”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way. ”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job! ”
My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold? ”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me! ”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me. ”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father! ”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn? ”
My more...

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home? ”
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it! ”

Mom’s Brownies Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr “no, no. ”
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from more...