Mistress Jokes / Recent Jokes
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says, “For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says, “It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says, “You’re both wrong. It’s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you’re with your wife, you can do some mathematics.
A husband and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and
walks away.
His wife glares at him and demands, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it. I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a
divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering
in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club.
But the decision is yours."
Just as the wife is about to say something, she notices a mutual
friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that
woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
Max the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and, discovering a very pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to combine business with pleasure. The girl refused on the grounds that her mistress was home, and she didn't want to be discovered and fired. After several refusals, Max finished the job and returned to his shop.
Next morning his phone rang, and his caller was the maid. In dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out, and asked if he wanted to come over and see her.
"What!" yelled Max. "On my own time?"
(J. Daniel Smith's East German joke the other day reminded of this one.
Bill Fason told it to me a few years ago. -DG)
One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk
with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a
present of her choice.
She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich,
if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open
the borders just for one day."
Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her
request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?"
The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that
it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which
are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular
phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though
other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature
of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is
always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other
system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight
10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the
system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always
worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-Ins such as more...
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, more...
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," exclaims the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous more...