Media Jokes / Recent Jokes

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't more...

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when
Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.
Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, more...

Stallone, Tony Danza, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.
Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says he'll be Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach!"

VERBS:
to schmooze = befriend scum
to pitch = grovel shamelessly
to brainstorm = feign preparedness
to research = procrastinate indefinitely
to network = spread disinformation
to collaborate = argue incessantly
to freelance = collect unemployment
NOUNS:
agent = frustrated lawyer
lawyer = frustrated producer
producer = frustrated writer
writer = frustrated director
director = frustrated actor
actor = frustrated human
COMPOUND WORDS:
high-concept = low brow
production value = gore
entry-level = pays nothing
highly qualified = knows the producer
network approved = had made them money
FINANCIAL TERMS:
net = something that apparently doesn't exist
gross = Michael Eisner's salary
back-end = you, if you think you'll ever see it
residuals = braces for the kids
deferral = don't hold your breath
points = see "net" or "back-end"
COMMON PHRASES:
You can trust me more...

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.

Q: Why are Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinksy, and O.J. Simpson such bad golfers.
A: Monica is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer and Bill doesn't know what hole to put it in.

Forrest Gump - Life is like a Box of chocolates...
Forrest Dahmer - People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
Forrest (Homer)Simpson - Mmmmm, chocolate
Forrest the Hun - Chocolate all mine!
Forrest Simmons - Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
Forrest Rivera - People who like Chocolate..Next on 'Forrest'
Forrest Shakespeare - Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question
Forrest Of Borg - All chocolates must be assimilated
Forrest Presley - Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
Forrest Zen - I am one with the chocolate
Forrest McClaine - I used to be a box of Chocolates
Forrest Ventura - Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then...
Forrest Lauper - People just wanna have chocolate
Forrest Turner - What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
Forrest Bones - D*@!* Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate
Forrest Spock - Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
Forrest Scotty - The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n
Forrest Butler - Frankly more...