Guard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Albert Garcia Jr. sued the state in 1992 because the Ely State Prison began delivering his legal mail from 9 p. m. to 10 p. m. He claimed the delivery time interfered with his sleeping pattern.
Kenneth Parker sued the state because he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter from the prison canteen at Nevada State Prison in 1989 but received one jar of chunky and one jar of creamy peanut butter. While Parker was later given the peanut butter he requested, he still pursued the case, and it was later dismissed.
Randall Wildeman sued the state in 1991 because a Nevada State Prison officer destroyed the bras and bikini panties he had in his cell. Wildeman claimed he was making women's clothing to be sent as gifts.
Michael Sims sued the state in 1994 on the grounds that a prison guard at the Ely State Prison was calling him names. Sims said the guard called him a "faggot" and a "snitch" and put him in a life-threatening situation.
Donald Ferris sued more...

What do you call a guard with a hundred legs? A sentrypede.

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his
shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across
the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every weeks for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy," said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"

Some enlisted men were having trouble getting past the guard at the train station. He said that he couldn’t allow anyone through without a ticket. Anyone! An officer came along. The guard explained, “Look, I like GIs. I mean, they’re protecting us, but I have orders. They’re trying to get on without a ticket. ”
The officer said, “Let me take care of this. ” Turning to the men, he barked, “Attention! Now forward march! ”
Smartly, past a stunned guard, the men marched through the gate and onto the train. Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the officer on the back, saying, “You’re terrific, sir. You’re a great guy. ”
The officer said, “That’s all right. I didn’t have a ticket either! ”

An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you more...

Three English robbers went to France in a boat, hoping to rob a factory, and then make it back to England. They were robbing the factory, when the guard came in. They knocked the guard out with a slab of concrete, but they didn't realise that before the guard came to investigate, he had called the police. The robbers went out of the factory to find themselves surrounded by police.
The guard was rushed to hospital but on the way he died. The three robbers were now convicted of murder, and the punishment for that is the guillotine. The first man was asked whether he wants a blindfold, or not, and if he wanted to face up or down. He asked for the blindfold, and to face down. The blade was dropped and millimetres from his neck, it stopped.
It was customary that if you don't die on the first go, you are let free, so the first man was let free. The second man asked for a blindfold, and to face up. Again with him, the blade stopped millimetres from his neck, so he too was a free more...

A qawwali singer complained that, because of her inattentive audience,' Mood khharab ho gaya''.
A labourer reprimanded the foreman:' Mere kaam main interfere mat karo.'
A lady reluctant to give up a seat she had occupied proclaimed:' I am not nick/ing from here.'
The guard of a train in which the lights were on the' blink', announced:' Bijlee is bajanging... any harj maraj ho gaya, Guard is not jumevar.'