Guard Jokes / Recent Jokes
An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard answers, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".
"Great", the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said,' Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?' So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said,' Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.' Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said,' Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.' Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said,' $2,700.' The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said,' more...
there was this blonde sientiest that worked for nasa, one day she came to work and everyone she worked with had died their hair blonde just to see if she would notice, she worked her regular day, did her work and started to leave, she had to go out the building and the security guard that just came to work in a shift change had dark brown hair, she started to go through the security gate and she saw the security guard and said you must me new, the guard said no mam i work here 5 days a week, she argued with the guy and said no,
this is a blondes only company, every one here is now blonde, they finally realized that we run the world and all went blonde so you need to find a new job. as she left she said blonde power.
Life In Hell
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell.
In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard,' 'What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?''
''They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack,'' the guard replied.
''And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?''
''The same exact thing,'' the guard answered.
''Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?''
''Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!''
A brunette and a blonde decided they were going to pull of a bank heist. They quickly devised a plan and put that plan into action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank they were going to rob. Turning to the blonde, she asked, "Now, are you sure you remember the plan?" Sighing, the blonde replied, "Duh! Of course I remember!" They went over the plan one more time, then the blonde got out of the car to do her part.
Before she had a chance to shut the car door, the brunette yelled out to her, "Remember, be sure to be in and out in no more than five minutes!"
The blonde then entered the bank and the brunette remained in the car and waited... and waited... and waited.
Finally, the blonde came bursting out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake up the dead. Behind her she was lugging the bank safe by a rope that was tied around it. A security guard came running out of the bank, pants down around his ankles, more...
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard,' Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?'The guard replies,' They are 3 million,
four years, and six months old.''That's an awfully exact number,' says the
tourist.' How do you know their age so precisely?'The guard answers,' Well, the dinosaur bones
were three million years old when I started
working here, and that was four and a half
years ago!'
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the lasttest has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to thebathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bedup with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possiblyface. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking bythe hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussingand swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.The security guard ask:"What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit outof a ghost."