Guard Jokes / Recent Jokes
A new intern at heart&cross hospital was looking for an experienced doctor to sign off on him sending a patient to surgery.He saw a nicely tanned man giving orders to someone else so he walked up to him. "Could you sign this for me"? he asked.
The man signed the sheet and the intern thanked him and walked away.the next day the intern walked into the hospital and was informed by the security that he had been fired.the intern asked why.the security guard told him that he had sent a patient to surgery without having a doctor sign off on it.yes I did I had him sign it.he pointed to the man who he had sign the sheet who was now moping the floors. "Him"? asked the security guard. "That's Jorge the nicely tanned head-janitor".
Firemen searched an office building for an hour for a trapped parrot only to find the noise was coming from a computer screensaver.
Crews were called to the Midlands Building in Willenhall, Iowa after a security guard raised the alarm. The guard thought that the distressed cries of' Who's a pretty boy' were coming from a gap in the roof.
It wasn't until firemen kicked down an office door that they found the PC parrot on a computer that had been left on overnight.
"It was a screen saver which had its volume turned right up and there was a parrot squawking," said West Midlands Fire Service Officer Dave Hinkle.
OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96
SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT
Stock Price Increases 50%
"We`ll do it better," Says Microsoft
CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.
It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U. S. or California soil in U. S. history.
Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.
Spindler allegedly more...
How do you make milk shake?
Give it a good scare!
Do you know the time?
No, we haven’t met yet!
What sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
A kipper!
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck!
What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troopers!
Did you hear about the man who had BO on one side only?
He bought Right Guard, but couldn’t find any Left Guard!
What has two humps and is found at the North Pole?
A lost camel!
There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it.
Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation.
A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach.
The Royal Marines go fishing.
The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now!
The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer to guard their landing strip.
The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them.
The Italians go sunbathing.
The Germans land and build a car factory.
The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a more...
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that saidSocialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly longline, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So theexecutive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?" "They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," theguard replied." And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?" "The same exact thing," the guard answered." Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?" "Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
How offensive is that? Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. "Yes Jesus, how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul...Paul", he calls. Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and both legs and throws him back into the crowd.Jesus yells out once again, "Paul,...Paul". Paul, who is now lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and more...