Guard Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were 3 guys that escaped from jail. They were out the gates and and almost to freedom. Suddenly a Guard walks out. The 3 guys that escaped said' we got to split up or he will find us!'. So the guys split up....... The guard walked by a tree and heard some rattling, The guard said whos there? WHO WHO The 1st escapee said. The guard said shoo, its just an owl. He started walking again
suddenly he heard a second tree move, he said whos there? ARF ARF The 2nd escapee said. The guard said shoo, its just a dog. So the guard was walking by a potato field. Suddenly he heard a sound. The guard said whos there. The 3rd escapee said P--O--T--A--T--O!
HINT < Hes acting like a potato. >

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a readhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. In all the confusion, the brunette escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executions shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the Redhead yells, "Tornado!"
Everyone is startled and looks around, and the redhead escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
And the blonde yells, "Fire!"

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead and ones a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the brunette yells, EARTHQUAKE!!! Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the redhead yells, TORNADO!!! Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! and the blonde yells, FIRE!!!

The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. she went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"

A young man comes up to the border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The border guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags? ”
“Sand, ” answers the young man.
The guard is a bit skeptical and asks the young man to turn over the bags for inspection. The guard empties the bags, but finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the young man overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The young man is released and promptly rides across the border with his sand bags.
A day later, the same young man presents himself at the border. The guard asks, “What have you got? ”
“Sand, ” says the young man.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the young man who then rides across the border on his bicycle with the sand bags.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. more...

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.
The robbery begins.
Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffie.
Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes...
Two minutes pass...
Seven minutes pass... and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing more...