Electric Jokes / Recent Jokes

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food. Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food. 2. I will not jump on the [xxx]. kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5: 30 A. M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night. 3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx]. sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires. 4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx]. floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen more...

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.



We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N. Y.



I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.



I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.



My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the more...

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed.The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that ight that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.Next it was the Newfies turn. He said, "I'm afraid of needles and the electric chair won't work so I pick hanging."

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Friday’s. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N. Y. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary? ” “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time! ” So I suggested, “How about the kitchen? ” 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! ” So I bought her an electric chair. 7. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. and in case you forget… Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It
starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home. 2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. 3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf. 4. more...

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.
The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

Hal Hooper started the day early, having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Hal decided to relax for awhile.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in... AMERICA...