Electric Jokes / Recent Jokes
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going more...
Secret tips for making a marriage last...
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good
food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! "
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the more...
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a. m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.... AMERICA.....
We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, xerox, contact lenses,
frisbees and the PILL.
We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and ball-point pens. Before pantyhose,
dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes--and before man
walked on the moon.
We got married first--and then lived together. How quaint can you be?
In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of". Bunnies were small rabbits and
rabbits were not Volkswagons. Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne; and having a
meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins. We thought fast food was what you ate
during Lent; and Outer Space was the back of the Riviera Theatre.
We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, and computer marriages. We
were before day-care centers, group therapy and nursing homes. We more...
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
A Pakistani dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Pakistani hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Pakistani devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is more...
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.