Eating Jokes / Recent Jokes
Peace be unto you, your computer and the e'mail you receive this day.
May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or return it within a limited time frame.
May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.
May the mail you receive not start with Fw: FW: Fw: Re:Fw:, not contain strangely named attachments and contain a "".
May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children you are to be searching for.
May the mail you receive not cause you to change your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 number for the National Missing Child more...
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great, ” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey, ” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? ”
“Yes. Come and join us, ” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do? ” he asked. “Well, ” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them. ” This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked more...
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3 If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The more...
I went to the park today. I sat on a bench. I reflected. All this while eating a turkey and provolone sandwich. Wow, I can multi-task.
A squirrel came over to me and asked me for a bite. (Well, he didn't ask, but you know...) So I peeled a piece of cheese off my sandwich and tossed it to him.
At which point a peculiar homeless guy, seated a few feet away from me and eating his own sandwich, said, "Be careful giving them cheese. Constipates'em. Can't get their nuts out."
You learn wherever you go-you just have to be open to it.
Just read in this morning's UPI newswires (Aug 18 1993) that Judge Walter Colbath has ordered Jerry Ericksonto quit eating poppyseed bagels or he'll go to prison!
It seems Jerry is on probation for kidnapping and robbery, and one day he showed up for his probation meeting and tested positive for morphine... even though he swore he never touched the stuff! His doctor concluded the drug test may have picked up small traces of morphine from his breakfast that day - a poppyseed bagel!
So Palm Beach County Circuit Judge Walter Colbath on Tuesday allowed Jerry to remain on probation rather than to return to prison because the correction officials could not prove that he'd used illegal drugs, but he ofered him to stop eating poppyseed bagels as a condition of parole.
Said Jerry's attorney, Dean Wilbur, regarding his job as a criminal defense lawyer, "It continues to get weirder and weirder, the longer I do this!"
So, just remember to say NO to bagels!