Else Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    TACO HELL!!!!

    Hot 2 years ago

    by Peter Leppik

    The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

    On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
    the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

    Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

    Server: "Is that it?"

    Me: "Yep."

    Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

    Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

    At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

    Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...

    The Talking Monkey

    Hot 6 years ago

    A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
    The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
    Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.
    "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.
    "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
    "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his head "Yes."
    "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
    "They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."
    "What else?" The monkey motioned more...

    A Cowboy's Guide to Life

    Hot 7 years ago

    A Cowboy's Guide to Life
    Never squat with yer spurs on.
    There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
    Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
    If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
    After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
    He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
    The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
    If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
    Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
    It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
    Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
    Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
    Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
    Always drink upstream from the herd.
    Never drop more...

    Cows In Government

    Hot 7 years ago

    FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
    PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
    BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
    FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
    PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
    RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
    CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The more...

    I couldn't work out whether to laugh or be offended by some of these!

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
    1.Two World Wars and One World Cup, doo-dah doo-dah.
    2.Proper beer
    3.You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
    4.You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
    5.Union jack underpants.
    6.Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
    7.You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
    8.Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
    9.Ditto changing underwear
    10.Beats being Welsh.
    10a. Or Scottish

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
    1.When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
    2.Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
    3.You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
    4.If there's a war you can surrender really early.
    5.You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on SBS
    6.You can more...

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