Discover Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    You know you are in Arizona in the summertime when: The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

    Hot water now comes out of both taps.

    You can make sun tea instantly. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

    You actually burn your hand opening the car door. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

    A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

    Christmas Is:
    1. A wobbly tree stand.
    2. A week of inspiration and morality on TV screens that are
    filled with crime and violence the other 51.
    3. Having to tear open that gift you wrapped so beautifully
    because you just remembered the price tag was still on it.
    4. Trying to explain to a bright four-year-old how it's possible
    to pass 6 Santa Clauses in one block.
    5. When you get a dozen calendars in the mail... and on January
    1st, you can't find a single one.
    6. When you discover some idiot put a trunk on tree decorations
    you stored so carefully last year.
    7. Trying to wrap a bicycle so nobody can tell what it is.
    8. When you can't walk into the Living Room for all the toys,
    and your kids say, "Is that ALL?"
    9. Frantic last-minute shopping when a gift arrives from a
    relative you forgot.
    10. When, while you're looking for a salesman, somebody buys the great tree you picked out.
    11. When more...

    The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.The trees are whistling for the dogs.The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.Hot water now comes out of both taps.You can make sun tea instantly.You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron! The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.You actually burn your hand opening the car door.You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.The cows are giving evaporated milk.

    Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
    10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
    9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.
    8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
    7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
    6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.
    5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
    4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
    3. Twice this week you've more...

  • Recent Activity