Big Jokes / Recent Jokes
Somewhat skeptical of his son`s newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department. "Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I`ll use them every day." "I don`t know, Michael. It`s really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out. "Please, Dad?" "They`re not cheap either." "I`ll use them Dad, I promise. You`ll see." Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"
This is a wonderful time of year when the humans decorate the home for us cats in anticipation of the visit from "Santa Claws." The tree went up yesterday, and so did we! Whee! Made it to the fourth branch within the first five minutes before the Big Owner chased us out of the tree.
So, as we do every year, we waited and watched the humans decorate the Cat-mas tree with all sorts of these things humans call "ornaments."
We call them "cat toys."
Ornaments are invitations to a cat, bright and shiny spheres just
daring us to knock them off. And we're pretty good at it,
considering all the trees they've decorated.
Every year humans hang the ornaments a little higher out of our
range, forcing us to elevate our game to knock them off. Humans
"ohhh and ahhh" as they decorate the Cat-mas tree. Us? We salivate in anticipation of the night's activities.
The humans retire to bed, as is custom during Cat-mas more...
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is." Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby." With even a more surprised and shocked look he said, "Then why in the world did you eat him?"
There were a couple of old guys talking at the bar. One of the men had been married for 66 years.
"Amazing. 66 years!" said his friend. "What''s the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"
"Well," he replied, "It''s like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."
"Really?" his friend responded. "Does that really work?"
"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
Definition: A manager is a person who thinks that nine women can produce a child in one month. Robots: Our Steel Collar Workers. Q: What's the difference between Xerox and the Titanic? A: The Titanic had a band. Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A: A dependent Claus. Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors? A: A superior being. Q: What is the difference between big foot and a socially responsible banker? A: Big foot has been sighted. Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't Walk." Q: How do you confuse a bank teller? A: Give him a bag of M&M's and tell him to alphabetize them. Q: Why is a BMW a banker's favorite car? A: Because he can't spell Porsche. Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude
Top nine reasons computers must be male:
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody’s home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter
Top nine reasons computers must be female:
Picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask what’s wrong, they say “nothing”.
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
Smalltalk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.