Awful Jokes / Recent Jokes

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a limo, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!

When I came home, I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.

My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through LA, from side to side.
From north to south, we took a ride.
But from the cops we could not hide.

My trial lasted for a year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
The circus-hype the viewers saw!
A year! A year! Just sitting here!

Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, more...

George awoke and shuffled into the kitchen. George's wife, Kim, was already up and greeted him with a kiss and a pleasant "good morning".
Kim took a good look at George and said" You know George, you look awful, really awful-
you alright?"
George replied "I feel fine dear."
Off to work George went. Throughout the day George continued to receive the same comments and concern from his fellow co-workers. "You look awful
George- you alright?".
George replied that he felt fine. George's boss took
him aside mid-day and told George to go to the Doctor to get checked out.
So, off the doctor George went.
"So George, what seems to be the problem" the doctor inquired. "Well doc, it's like this. All day people have told me I look awful and need to get checked out. The odd thing is Doc, I feel fine. What do you think?"
The Doctor pulled out a huge book from his bookshelf, placed it on the table and more...

Banta and Preeto got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Preeto immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Banta started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please mama!"
"Preeto, Preeto," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept Preeto, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"You must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, Preeto said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma. . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah. . . " her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must more...

One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's
runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!""Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"

There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant. Four fish got battered!