Awful Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:
    1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
    2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
    3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
    4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
    5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
    6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
    7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
    8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

    One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks out side, it had snowed during the night and everything wascovered in snow. He looks down and sees somethingwritten in urine on the lawn it reads"I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD". Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "Ihope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For themto write it in the spot it's in they would have had tobe on my deck. Please help me find this criminal." The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr. Clinton we did DNA, urine and handwriting tests. Doyou want to here the bad news or the awful news first." Bill sighs "bad I guess"." The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh! Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president... What'sthe awful news?!"The FBI agents look at each other..."The hand writing was Hillary's"

    "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
    "It was awful!" answered the roommate. "The guy showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
    "Wow! That's a really expensive car! What's so awful about that?" she asked.
    "He was the original owner!" groaned the roommate.

    Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing Sun all day without catching a single one.

    On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

    "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

    "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughly."

    "But why?"

    "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughly. She prefers that for supper tonight."

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