Average Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE DANGER OF EATING BREAD

A recent newspaper headline read,' 'Smell of baked bread may be health hazard.'' The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

THE FINDINGS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in more...

I wish I knew who came up with this one! I skewers elements of the famous "San Francisco" culture...
Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?
Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on any given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole more...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

The average wife would rather have beauty than brains, because she knows that the average husband can see better than he can think.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

rats have more bones than men
parrot can see backwards without turning its head
HUMMING BIRD - (RUBY-THROATED)
MASS: About 3-4g (a nickel weighs about 5g).
LENGTH: About 8.5cm (3.5") from tip of bill to tip of tail
WING BEATS: About 60-80 times per second in normal flight, up to 200 times per second in courtship dives
SPEED: Normal flight about 25mph; up to 65kph (40mph) in a courtship dive
HEARTBEATS: About 250 times per minute while at rest, about 1,220 per minute while flying
BREATHING: About 250 breaths per minute while at rest
BODY TEMPERATURE: 40.5 degrees C (105-108 degrees F)
FEATHERS: A typical Hum-bird has 940 feathers.
FEED RATE: Eats about its weight in nectar or sugar water each day.
AVERAGE AGE: Most hummingbirds die within their first year; those that don't
probably live an average of 3 years or so

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." - M. Facklam
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches more...