Ass Jokes / Recent Jokes
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled.. . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown.. . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey.. . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I more...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap more...
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to
him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush
appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be
Bush country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
Twas the night before Payback...
' Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.
Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, more...
There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lioncame by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "Howfunny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?" After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbedthe lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good timeto be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he hadto think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion. Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide. The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent. The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter'sshirt and hat, and started to read the paper. A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunterreading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?" more...
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink, Don't Park - Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed. .. Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken. . Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My more...
Little Johnny's mother was cleaning one weekend and found this letter that
he had sent to Santa the previous year, when they were living in California:
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well,
I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the
beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair
of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the
whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in
the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers,
my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the
elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for
humanity!
What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a more...