Ass Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said "That was fast." "Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with." The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it." "O. K." he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!"

A ship wrecks somewhere in the Pacific Ocean and the lone survior is washed up on a desert island. After surveying his surroundings he determines that the only other signs of life are one pig and one dog.
The man learns to live off of the island. He has fresh water from a spring and fruits grow abundantly. However, as the months go on, his sexual urges become stronger and stronger. Finally, in complete sexual hysteria, he grabs the pig and has his way with it. For some reason, however, the dog jumps up and bites him in the ass.
Weeks go by, and every day the man screws the pig and the dog bites him in the ass. One day, a beautiful young woman washes up on the shore. The man performs CPR and brings her back to life. She is so happy she says, "Thank you so much! I will give you anything you want!"
"Anything?" the man says.
"Anything." the woman replies.
"OK," he says, "will you hold the dog?"

New office policy announced:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas
and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
SO...........
TRY SAYING "Perhaps I can work late."
INSTEAD OF "When the fuck do you expect me to do this?"
TRY SAYING "I'm certain that is not feasible."
INSTEAD OF "No fucking way!!
TRY SAYING "Really?"
INSTEAD OF more...

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the more...

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a
Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger
because there was no room for them in the inn.

And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I
bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which
is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel, said a Pharisee, who happened
to be strolling by.

As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious
symbols, and the stable was on public property, where such symbols
were not allowed to land, or even hover. "And I have to tell you,
this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene, he
said sadly. "That's a no-no, too.

Joseph had a bright idea, "What if I put a couple of reindeer over
there near the ox and the ass? he more...

A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine day's fishing. After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents won't allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks' Can I have one of those cigarettes?'Grandpa, knowing he shouldn't encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt' no' asks' Does your dick reach your ass?'. The boy replies' No, it doesn't'.' Then,' said grandpa,' you aren't old enough to smoke.'Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a swig.' Does your dick reach your ass?' asks the old man.' No, replies the boy.'' Then you're not big enough to touch beer,' comes the reply. By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there and takes one out to eat it. Grandpa sees this and fancies a cookie more...

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."