Alright Jokes / Recent Jokes

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant more...

a woman is in the ghetto one day and she is pregnant with triplets and she goes into the store and gets shot three times one in each womb.when she goes to the doctor she says they will be alright but will be some side affects.one of the girls come in and says mom i just peed a bullet she said youll be alright i just got shot thirteen years ago another girl comes in and says ijust peed a bullet to youll be alright so the boy comes in ballin his eyes out his mom asked did you pee a bullet? no i was jakin off and i shot the dog.

A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs. The Brit says, " Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew. The Irishman says, " Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger. The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, " Alright ya wee fucker. Spit it out! Now!"

BRAIN TUMOR
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
****
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
****
WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
****
QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
****
Friend: how many more...

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents. In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman. When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door." Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!""It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you." "Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother." Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!""It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get more...

The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago. Monday night, 10 pm Girl: Hello? Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---? Girl: Speaking. Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am- (God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!) Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right? Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief. I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she probably hates me already!) Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can't believe he actually called!) Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I am supposed to say- more...

The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago.

Monday night, 10 pm

Girl: Hello?

Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?

Girl: Speaking.

Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am- (God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)

Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?

Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief. I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she probably hates me already!)

Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can't believe he actually more...