Alright Jokes / Recent Jokes
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost."They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?""Uh yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - more...
Three guys were on business trips to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright women, shoot his penis off!," said the sheik.
The sheik then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen," said the second man. "Alright women, burn his penis off!," said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.
As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he'd ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down to the clearing, and the bear's body is gone!
He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there's a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it's the bear! "You just tried to kill me, didn't you?". Says the bear."Uh, no. No I didn't". The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies."Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your arms off" "Uh, yeah, yeah I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Give me a head-job." "What??" "On your knees" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the more...
Guy: I'm having a problem with it.
Girl: That's not surprising, it's very hard when you first learn.
Guy: It's not working. I can't get it up.
Girl: You just have to relax. It'll happen. You just have to work at it.
Guy: Alright, I'm supposed to do what with my tongue again??
Girl: Your tongue is the key, you have to use it like a tool. You have to know where to put your tongue where it's needed. Feel for problem areas.
Guy: pbpbpbpb. man. this sucks.
Girl: Try again. just go slower.
Guy: Its too hard!
Girl: Soften it up.
Guy: Show me again?
Girl: *shows him*
Guy: Alright, let me try now.
Girl: Your first time is an experience you'll always remember. I know you can do it!
Guy: *tries again* pbpbpbb sssssssssss... *POP!*
Girl: You did it!