During halftime of an embarrasing game, Bill Parcels entered the locker room carrying a live alligator. Glaring at the players, he dropped his pants and the reptile clamped its jaws around his organ. After several minutes of this, Parcels poked the reptile in the eye and it released his penis and scuttled away.
"Any of you wimps man enough to do that?" He bellowed
After a moment, the new place kicker raised his hand, "I am coach, but please, don't poke me in the eye."
Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got. Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement. Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied. "I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!" This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."