Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane
Good news: He had a parachute
Bad news: The parachute didn't work
Good news: There was a haystack beneath him
Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack
Good news: He missed the pitchfork
Bad news: He missed the haystack
Cabbage, tap and tomato were having a race.
The cabbage was ahead, the tap was running after him, and the tomato tried to ketchup!
An Attorney was riding home in his limo and noticed two men sitting on the side of the road eating grass, he told his driver to stop and investigate.
His driver went to the two men and asked, sirs why are you eating grass? The first man replied, I have no money and must eat grass. The driver told the Attorney. The attorney would not hear of it and said come to my house and I will feed you. The man stated, sir I have a wife and three children, and then the second man spoke up and said I have a wife and six children. The Attorney says it is ok bring them all, there is enough for everyone.
It takes about twenty minutes to get everyone into the car and they are on their way.Shortly after the two men are totally overtaken and are saying to the Attorney, sir I do not know how to thank you and we are not able to repay you, thank you for your kindness. The Attorney says to them do not worry about it, it is fine and plenty for everyone. You will love my house, the grass is more...
Your daddy is so bald that when he puts on a turtle-neck he looks like a broken condom!
What is long, black, and smelly?
The unemployment line!
There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21..."
Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says,"What are you doing?"
The brunette replies,"Just counting."
The blonde says,"May I join you?"
"Yes," replies the brunette. So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying,"21, 21, 21..."
A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22, 22, 22..."