Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can un-screw a lightbulb!
Q: What happens when you forget to pay an exorcist?
A: You get re-possessed.
Q: What is the largest building in Transylvania?
A: The Vampire State Building.
Q: What does a weight-conscious vampire drink?
A: Blood Light.
Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?
A: It was a stake sandwich.
I have an existential map, it has' you are here' written all over it.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris pees in a can and sells it as redbull.