"Wondering If Windows 95 Will Live Long and Phosphor" joke

By Nicholas Petreley
"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Capitan, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order. "
"Aye, Captain, but she's just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Will it use a Proaudio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"How about a Sound Blaster?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"What good are you, anyway?"
"Box-office attraction, Captain."
"I'm a doctor, not a hardware technician."
"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the Proaudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal."
"Yes, Captain."
"We've just entered the desktop zone, Capitan."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrre."
"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."
"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."
"Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad."
"Yes, Captain."
"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently."
"Yes, sir."
"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The Proaudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."
"Disable the card, Spock."
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping the sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first."
"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."
[looks at watch] "Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems."
"No, sir. The ship is already upon is."
"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow."
"Scotty, what's happening down there?"
"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time. Even the main 32-bit systems are blocked."
"See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?"
"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive."
[impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed, oohs and ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship]
"Put it on visual, Chekov."
"Yes, sir."
[louder oohs and ahhs]
"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!"
"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding."
"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"
"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."
"Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it."
"Long range scan, Chekov."
"I found it, Capitain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Lands of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard."
"Patrick Stewart?"
"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"
"Must be a generation gap."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrre."
[sigh] "Maintain power, Mister Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert."
"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop background! "
"I'm a doctor, not a quick reference!"
"Never mind. Find the scre

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