Ship Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holdingher hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do notintend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowingup in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down thereis 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

    About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.
    At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters,
    busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.
    I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
    As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".
    She replied, "Yes, that's true. It's cheaper than a nursing home".
    After talking with her, I decided there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.
    The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per more...

    A garbage collector, a teacher and a lawyer all die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter meets them and informs them there will be a test before they can enter. Each of them must answer one question.
    First, St. Peter asks the teacher, "Can you name the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sank with all its passengers?"
    Thinking for a moment, the teacher replies, "I believe that would be the Titanic." "Correct," says St. Peter and the teacher enters.
    St. Peter turns to the garbage collector next and figuring that Heaven really doesn't need all the smell that guy would bring in with him, he decides to make the question a little more difficult. "How many people died on the ship?" he asks.
    Taking a wild guess, the garbage man says, "1228." "That happens to be right, you may enter," says St. Peter.
    Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer, "Name them!"

    Monsters, Inc. was a cute animated movie that is pretty funny, but definitely for kids. You should go see it if you have kids, are a kid, or like to pretend you're a kid late at night by wearing diapers. It's made by the Pixar people, who did Toy Story and A Bug's Life, and that pretty much tells you what to expect. Same technology, but a couple years later, so it's a little better, a little more lifelike. Movie gets a nice, solid 3 6/7 Babylons. You'll have a good time, but try not to see it in a theater filled with too many kids- they can be annoying. Especially when the one right behind you spends the last fifteen minutes kicking your chair telling its Mommy that it needs to go to the bathroom.

    OK, now let's talk about the Star Wars trailer.

    By now, you have seen it, or heard it, or had it described to you by a cyber-dork named C3PO4EVR on a host of fan sites. You know it's really short. You know there is no dialogue. You know that the only sound you get is more...

    Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetraian more...

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