"Sex is like air" joke

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Procrastination is like masturbation...
Sure it feels good at first, but then you realize you're only screwing yourself.

If your feet smell and your nose

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on Viagra?
He's a little stiff now.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.

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