"Internet Addiction Disorder (Iad) Screening" joke

Multiple Choice:
1. You log-on to:
A) Check your stock portfolio.
B) Meet new people and hang out.
C) Deny the punt beast his glory.

2. This week you spent:
A) 2-10 hours online.
B) Gee, probably about 20 hours online if you include flash sessions.
C) What day is it? (Give yourself “C” point credits if you’ve been on line since last week)

3. “Hell” can be best defined as:
A) A fiery dimension of eternal torture and penance.
B) Waiting in line at the DMV.
C) “The system is temporarily unavailable. Please try again in 15 minutes. ”

4a. You experience the greatest amount of stress when:
A) You are caught in rush hour traffic.
B) You realize you don’t have enough money to pay your bills.
C) You receive 17 IM’s while in the middle of a riveting chat in a crowded room.

4b. Extra Credit: The answer to 4a is not “B” because:
A) You have money you can pull out of savings in an emergency.
B) Revolving debt is the American way of life.
C) You’ve gotten completely used to not being able to pay all your bills ever since you got your first AOL statement.

5. Your favorite television show is:
A) Melrose Place.
B) Star Trek and/or Hercules/Xena.
C) Television? You mean that monitor over there in the corner?

6. The best place to go on a date is:
A) A quiet, remote little bed and breakfast.
B) The living room couch to cuddle in front of a video.
C) PR Hot Sexx. (Give yourself “C” points credit if you can’t remember because your primary Screen Name is married)

7. The first things you look for when considering a new living space are:
A) Location and structural integrity.
B) A lock on the front door and a month to month lease.
C) Outlets and phone jacks.

8. Dinner last night consisted of:
A) A spinach and tofu lasagna you baked yourself.
B) A something-or-other burger from, you know, what’s it called? That place.
C) You have no idea, but you immediately start looking at the crumbs around your key board for clues. (Give yourself “C” points credit if you don’t eat dinner).

9. “DM” stands for:
A) Demilitarized.
B) Dungeon Master.
C) Damn mouse!

10. The most important thing to look for in a bar is:
A) A liquor license.
B) Free snacks.
C) A phone jack for the laptop you carry with you wherever you go.

11. The first thing you really want to know about somebody you are considering dating is:
A) “Do you have a job? ”
B) “Do you have your own computer? ”
C) “Do you have an AOL Screen Name? ”

12. The second most important factor in choosing a mate would be:
A) They come from a good family.
B) They’re exciting enough to get you away from the computer.
C) Compatible on-line hours.

13. The first thing you do when you meet someone is:
A) Smile and say hello.
B) Mumble something and look at the floor and hope they go away.
C) Look up their member profile. (Give yourself “C” point credits if you never meet anyone because your hand is permanently glued to the mouse)

14. The most frequently left message on your answering machine is something like:
A) “We had so much fun Saturday night! Thanks again for coming over. ”
B) “Wow. I got through the busy signal. You’re actually off the modem? ”
C) “I know you’re there! Why aren’t you picking up? Hello? Oh, hell! You got a dedicated line, didn’t you? ” (Give yourself “C” point credits if you’ve unplugged your phone so that the damn thing will stop interrupting your chats).

15. Your best friend is:
A) Someone you met at work.
B) Someone you’ve been AOL penpals with since fifth grade.
C) Some stranger whose name you don’t know, who probably lives several states away.

16. You check your email:
A) A couple of times a week.
B) Pretty much first thing when you get home.
C) The minute it comes in, unless you’re in the middle of a really intense chat.

17. The most time you’ve ever spent on-line in one sitting is:
A) Two or three hours.
B) Gosh, probably like, six hours once or twice.
C) You are still blinking at the above question waiting for the “you have been on-line for 38, 647 minutes scroll to pop up so that you can calculate.

18. “Logs” are for:
A) Fire places.
B) Saving special chats.
C) Sending to TOSmail because the snert interrupted a very sensitive chat.

19) Your first response to “Nothing beats a great pair of Leggs, ” is
A) Those idiot advertisers!
B) Except a great pair of butt cheeks.
C) Who needs legs? As long as I have my comfy ‘puter chair…

20) You don’t swear because:
A) It isn’t nice.
B) It’s more fun and challenging to think up creative alternatives.
C) TOS. (Give yourself “C” points credit if you do swear because you’ve ceased fearing TOS).

21) You notice your house is on fire. Your first response is:
A) “Let’s get everybody out safely! ”
B) “BRB”
C) “Oh man, there must be some way to get the computer out of here! ”

22) You are lost without your:
A) Organizer.
B) Program Manager.
C) Buddy list.

23) The first thing you do when you receive good news is:
A) Call your family.
B) Question it relentlessly.
C) Send it to your e-mail buddies.

24) This quiz was probably created because:
A) The author has a noble interest in psychiatric advances.
B) Some jerk was bored.
C) AOL was down for a few hours.

~~Scoring~~
Tally up your answers, giving yourself one point for every “A” answer, two points for every “B” answer, and three points for every “C” answer. Subtract five points for any acronym you don’t understand.
0-25 Chill out newbie, you’re fine.
26-51 No one can accuse you of being computer illiterate, but if anyone tells you you’re spending too much time on-line, tell them I said, “Not even close. ”
52-65 UNPLUG THE COMPUTER NOW. THERE’S THE BAREST SLIVER OF HOPE!!!!