"A Cynics Guide to Life:" joke
A Cynics Guide to Life:
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
ust remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few more...
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took more...
While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a more...
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you.... ..When Moses more...