Wine Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET more...

Overheard in a restaurant:
SHE: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
HE: Are you describing the wine or your mother?

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.

Saddam tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what appened."

One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"What appen to you?" he asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."

"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked President Hussein.

The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of more...

Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms"

It is against the law to fish from horseback. It is illegal not to drink milk. Birds have the right of way on all highways. It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list. It is considered an offense to hunt whales. It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.In Utah when a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin. A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. Kaysville: You must have identification to enter a convenience store after dark. Logan: Women may not swear. Monroe: Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor. Provo: Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine. Salt Lake City: No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin. Trout Creek: Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.

Whats the most popular wine at Christmas?"I dont like sprouts!"