Valentines Day Jokes / Recent Jokes

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is that schtuff for
People get mushy and start acting queer
It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade?
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Because I think love is a bunch of $#!+.
So there's my story... what can I say?
Love bites ass... SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY!

Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?""Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
Q: Did adam and eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they dad an apple.
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed "guess who"?
A: A divorce lawyer.
Q: What is the perfect breakup gift to give to someone for valentines day?
A: A copy of the book sex for dummies.
Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Top ten way *I'm* spending this valentine's day.
10. Watching "Fatal Attraction" over and over to remind me what I'm not
missing.
9. Trying to decide how much to pay for sex... $20, $50, $200, the rest of
my life?
8. Wondering if the Asian mail order woman company really has a money-back
guarantee.
7. Calling all the women I've gone out with in the last year, and asking them
if they enjoyed my wedding presents.
6. Renting the Jocelyn Elders workout video.
5. Waiting until tomorrow when I can buy all the really cheap chocolate, then
eating like a pig.
4. Taking my significant other, Candy, to be patched at the local bicycle
repair shop.
3. Compaigning for a law banning the following phrases:
Can't we just be friends?
I think of you as a brother. (sister)
I mean *sleep* together.
You'd like him - he's a lot like you.
My boyfriend (girlfriend) and i got back together.
Sure, I'll go out with you.. more...

There were three men drinking at Pete's Bar

A Doctor, an Attorney, and a Biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go f **** herself!"