Valentines Day Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Ode to Valentine's Day

    Hot 2 years ago

    Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
    What the hell is that schtuff for
    People get mushy and start acting queer
    It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.
    This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.
    Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.
    I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
    And wear all black for the rest of the week.
    Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade?
    For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
    The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,
    Because I think love is a bunch of $#!+.
    So there's my story... what can I say?
    Love bites ass... SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY!

    Top economist Valentine's Day cards
    4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
    3. Let's raise housing starts together.
    2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
    1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

    There were three men drinking at Pete's Bar

    A Doctor, an Attorney, and a Biker.
    As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."

    As the attorney was drinking his martini he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."

    As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go f **** herself!"

    Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
    A: You turn me on.
    Q: Did adam and eve ever have a date?
    A: No, but they dad an apple.
    Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
    A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
    Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
    A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
    Knock, Knock,
    Who's there?
    Olive
    Olive who?
    Olive you!
    Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed "guess who"?
    A: A divorce lawyer.
    Q: What is the perfect breakup gift to give to someone for valentines day?
    A: A copy of the book sex for dummies.
    Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
    A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

    Bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day. That vacuum cleaner should be working in no time.

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