Valentine Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.
4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
6. A gift certificate.
7. Cash.
8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
Top economist Valentine's Day cards
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let's raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.
My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.
I'm here to fulfill your fondest wishes-
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me-
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit'
Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
I've waited so long for you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
Be my Valentine...
and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue,
roses are red.
I blew up your car-
So why ain't you dead?
The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and more...
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled.. . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown.. . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey.. . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I more...
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God will get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a
lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how more...
As soon as she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know the answer to that tonight," replied the husband.
That evening, when the husband came home, he handed his wife a small gift-wrapped package.
Delighted, she excitedly opened it, only to find a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.
Redneck's Ode to a Valentine
Kudzu is green. My Dog's name is Blue. And I'm so danged lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin' in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway. Yo're as graceful as okry jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth For which I am proud. I hold my head high When we's in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well I'm in hawg heaven. I'm plumb out of my wits. And speakin' of wits, You got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you are my woman. I can't ask fer more. Like a good roll of Duct Tape Yo're there for yore man To patch up life's toubles And stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud. Yet fragile as that singer Named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as a Junebug A-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far more...