Twice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service! What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die ! What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog! What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice !! What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton.It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets ! What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick ! What more...

How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.
Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.
What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-dumb.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.
Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped zones.
What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain.
How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.
What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn more...

Dear Santa,
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your
legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world,
you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits
that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in
Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have
"a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects
millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to
examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a
well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your)
nose like a cherry."
Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from
hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still,
rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and
overexertion... all things you may encounter this time more...

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service! What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die! What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog! What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3, 000, 000 has a chance of becoming human. Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice! ! What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton. It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets! What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick! more...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower. 7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 8. People would get excited about the more...

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die - I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But, man, more...

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"So, here you are: a dozen reasons to be glad the automotive industry hasn't kept up with the computer industry:1. Every time you wanted to drive on a different road, you would have to buy a new car.2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.3. Occasionally, executing a common maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.4. Traffic jams would be known as lag, and you'd accept them as well.5. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you more...