Twice Jokes / Recent Jokes
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush more...
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1, 000 miles to the gallon."
General Motors has issued a press release stating:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. more...
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret."It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress."So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?""No," she replied excitedly, "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die!
What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!
What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3, 000, 000 has a chance of becoming human.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice! !
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton.
It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own more...
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A. Because it was a double-crosser.
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, more...
Here are rules for The Anime Drinking Game, it is suggested that you only use a few at a time (if you value your liver). The general rules are first followed by the one that are series specific. General Rules: Drink once whenever there is a bath/shower scene. Drink once every time a robot combines/transforms etc. Twice if it is accompanied by the "Synthesized Battle Music Theme". Drink once every time a character says an English word or phrase. Finish the bottle if the word is "Darlin". Drink once whenever you see a sign, computer readout etc. in English. Three times if it's not spelled right. Drink once whenever a Hyperdimensional sledgehammer/16 ton weight/. 44 Automag is used to subdue somebody. Drink once if the big giant robot ends up being piloted by somebody other than the person who was supposed to fly it. Drink once when the background goes abstract for dramatic effect. If the action repeats itself X times, drink X times. Drink once when an unexpected wind more...