Texan Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Cotton balls

    Hot 2 years ago

    A Texan walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles... The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
    The Texan answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure that if I have to roll my own, so can she!"

    You Wanna Brag?

    Hot 6 years ago

    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
    There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
    The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
    Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
    The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a mob of kangaroos hopping through the field.
    He asks, "And what are those?"
    The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,
    "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

    A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said "No, no, he no look to good." The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, "I told you he no look to good"

    Remember the Alamo

    Hot 5 years ago

    An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
    "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
    The four open the door and look out below.
    The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
    The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
    This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

    One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

    The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could more...

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