Twice Jokes / Recent Jokes
1.Each time the lines on the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
2.Occasionally, your car would die on the highway for no reason. You would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Your car would crash at least twice a day, for no reason whatsoever.
4. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, you could just borrow a friend's and copy it.
5. The air bag system would say, "Are You Sure?" before going off.
6. A single "General Car Default" warning light would replace oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights.
7. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". Of course, then you would have to buy more seats.
8. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only work on five percent of the roads.
9. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to more...
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation. There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel. The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park,"What's that" says the Texan"Oh! That's Queens Park" says the Cabby, "Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government" Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big". Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large" says the Texan. They continue along and past First Canadian Place." Holy cow" says the Texan "What's that"?" Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country" says the Cabby " it took almost 4 years to build"." Really" says the Texan "Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time"They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past more...
It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
It's been proven that people can lessen reactions to allergies by laughing.
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
In the middle ages, people would pin the name of their sweetheart to their sleeve on Valentine's Day and keep it there for a week, hence 'wearing their heart on their sleeve'.
It was during the Victorian era that the formerly nude Cupid was redesigned as wearing a skirt.
The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Tomato Ketchup was once used as medicine in the United States. Was sold as "Dr.Miles Compound Extract of Tomato"
When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red
Dating back to the 1600's, more...
A Texas farmer is vacationing in Australia. While there, he meets an Aussie farmer who invites him out to his ranch. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
They walk around the ranch and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
"And what are those?" he asks.
"Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?" the Aussie replies with an incredulous look.
A Synopsis of the Microsoft Car At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25. 00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently, General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement, "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car: Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to more...
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die!
What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!
What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice !!
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton.
It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!
What's the difference between a female lawyer more...