Town Jokes / Recent Jokes

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick
of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in
there and you can travel to any other part of the building
you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any more...

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do except for Banta, the town's grouch.
So Banta went to this 'Miracle Doctor' to prove that he wasn't so miraculous.
He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing, so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tell Banta, "What you need is jar number 43."
"Jar number 43?", Banta wonders.
So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar and tells Banta to taste it.
He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is Shit!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Banta," says the doctor.
So Banta goes home very mad.
One month later, Banta goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the more...

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered. "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery." He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man hobbling along with a cane. "Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."The man said, "Shoo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding more...

(I don't remember where I heard this, but I don't think it was in church...)
During a particularly wet winter, flood waters rise so high in one
town that the national guard evacuates all the residents. One man
stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national
guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left
"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat
and we'll carry you to safety!"
But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and the
Lord will save me."
The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later,
when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat
"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save
But the man sends them away again, saying "No, no, the Lord will save
The water level keeps rising until the man more...

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don`t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" `Tis odd, isn`t it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the more...

There are two Mexicans talking. One is a new resident of the town.
The first Mexican says to the other, "Hey, Vato, this town is pretty rough. All the Mexicans know how to fight. So watch your back."
The other Mexican replies, "I don't need to worry, because I know
Mexican Judo."
The first Mexican asks, "What's Mexican Judo?"
The second says, "Ju don't know if I have a gun; Ju don't know if I have a knife..."

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and
tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the
days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West
means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)
So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at
the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up
fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he
(Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you
ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save
what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of
town as fast as you can."
Fred was pretty perplexed more...