"God and the Deluge" joke

(I don't remember where I heard this, but I don't think it was in church...)
During a particularly wet winter, flood waters rise so high in one
town that the national guard evacuates all the residents. One man
stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national
guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left
"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat
and we'll carry you to safety!"
But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and the
Lord will save me."
The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later,
when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat
"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save
But the man sends them away again, saying "No, no, the Lord will save
The water level keeps rising until the man is standing on his chimney
and barely keeping his head above water, and a helicopter, doing a
final check, appears overhead. It drops a rope, and the loudspeaker
says, "Grab the rope and we'll bring you to safety!"
But the man waves the helicopter away, once again saying, "No, the
Lord will save me!"
But the water level keeps rising, and he drowns.
When he gets to heaven, he is completely bewildered. He asks God,
"God, why didn't you save me?"
And God says, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. Problem was, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently more...


Build an Ark The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. more...


When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted more...

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