"Things I've Learned From Watching Movies" joke

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick
of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in
there and you can travel to any other part of the building
you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless
you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your
sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer,
it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German
accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural
disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will
be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or
give him 48 hours to finish the job.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill -
just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you
should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn
the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die...
1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death
The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he more...


One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.
The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.
The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever more...


I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and more...


Long, but pretty good: On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek more...


' 'Squawks'' are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem, (S) = more...

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