Stockbroker Jokes / Recent Jokes
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away."
The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks more...
A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.
The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog".
The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student.
The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, "Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot".
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
"My God! It burnt out!! Sell all my G. E. stock NOW!!!"
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Two builders (Paddy and Shamus) are seated either side of table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a Guinness and sits on a stool at the bar.
So Paddy and Shamus start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Paddy: I reckon he's an accountant. Shamus: No bleedin way, he's a stockbroker. Paddy: He ain't no bleedin stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't be seen dead in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of Guinness gets the better of Paddy and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several Guinness get the better of the Paddy...
Paddy: Scuse me sir... no offence meant, but me and me mate Shamus were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession! Paddy: Oh! What's dat den? Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Paddy: Er .. mmm... well yeah, I do as it more...
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just killed a couple of priests."