Broker Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move," said the broker. "It's only $1 a share."
    "Buy me 1,000 shares," said the client.
    The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right. Give me 5,000 more shares."
    The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
    The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares."
    "Great!" said the broker.
    The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
    Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"
    The broker asked, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock."

    "What are you doing today, oh mother of my children?" queries papa ji. "Well," replies mum ji, "I think I'll get some chores out of the way, like marrying off your son!" "What a great idea." agrees dad. "You do that while I wash the cars!"

    And so the wheels of the' marriage machine' are set in motion. Once moving anyone wishing to stop them is simply steam rolled over! Before long an unsuspecting couple find that it has carried them all the way to the temple. Accompanied by a million voices commanding their every move, they sit cross legged in total bewilderment wondering which order to obey first.

    Evolution of the arranged marriage actually starts as soon as the grades have been achieved, the job secured and the Ford Mondeo acquired. For then, life for the single Asian suddenly shifts into the "eligible" gear. Not only do mum and dad treat you like a prize poodle at Crufts but family more...

    For many years, a young stock broker at Big Street Investments would plan a yearly weekend getaway at a mountain Inn.
    He would rendez-vous with the innkeeper's daughter while he was there.
    Looking forward to this years trip he departed with his suitcases in hand. When he arrived at the Inn he made his way up the stairs to his usual meeting room. The door was open and he walked in glancing at the Innkeeper daughter sitting on the bed.
    There she sat with an infant on her lap!
    "Who is that he asked."
    "It's your son" she answred.
    "Why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!"
    "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a stock broker.

    A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10, 000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

    "You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"

    "What is your secret?" the analyst asked.

    "It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."

    "But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.

    "I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

    The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash

    "He can't come to the phone right now.. he's on the ledge."

    "He won't be in today... he was made an offer and he refused."

    "He left the building and not via the elevator.. if you catch my drift."

    "I'm sorry, sir.. she's not in... she's out digging up your can as we speak."

    There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."

    "He's on another line with his Mommy.. would you care to hold?"

    "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange"

    "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."

    "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."

    "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the more...

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